Awareness. Attention. Acceptance.
I believe these three skills can change our lives.
They can unchain us from our current habits, give us the opportunity to focus on what really matters, and provide us with the key to eternal personal growth. These skills allow us to feel like we are in control of our own lives, that we are the architects of our destinies, that we are the protagonist in our own stories.
In a world where many people feel like they have no control, this kind of empowerment is life changing, and yet it can feel unattainable, almost offensive, to claim that our lives could be so greatly improved with three simple steps, but I genuinely believe they can, and history would tend to agree.
These three skills have weaved their way through the tapestry of time, with numerous religions, philosophies, and scientific journals establishing them as the foundation of happiness, healthy relationships, and often a life worth living. The eastern practice of meditation leans heavily on the theme of awareness of one’s thoughts, surroundings, and sensations, while the timeless serenity prayer asks for “the serenity to accept the things [we] cannot change, the courage to change the things [we] can, and the wisdom to know the difference”, while science has shown that our ability to corral our attention to learn a new language, a new instrument, anything that requires sustained attention, plays heavily into our cognitive health as we age [1].
So why are awareness, attention, and acceptance so important? What makes them so special? Aren’t there dozens, perhaps hundreds of other skills that are equally important to leading a happy life? Yes of course, there are thousands of things we could be doing to improve our current situation, but these three, awareness, attention, and acceptance, are unique in that they empower us, they allow us to live life on our own terms, they give us the control we desperately desire, but not in the way you might think. So let’s go through these three skills, and examine how they can have such a profound impact on our lives.
Awareness
We cannot solve a problem we are not aware of.
This may sound like common sense, but most people, myself included, struggle to be aware of, and identify, the true underlying problem that’s causing our pain and misery, and instead focus on the symptoms of the problem, hoping our circumstances will change and that this will make the pain go away.
I see it all the time with my clients, they lament that they eat well all week and are still struggling to lose weight, it must be that they have an exceedingly slow metabolism and that it’s just not possible for them to lose weight. In these instances I’ll usually ask them to record everything they eat for two weeks, and while the first week is just like they said, healthy choices across the board without the scale budging more than a pound, the second week will be a little more representative of their true dietary habits, with the buttered muffin making an appearance one day, the bowl of chocolate ice cream showing up the next, and finally the three glasses of wine washing down a fabulous carbonara pasta dish on the weekend. This is a classic example of a lack of awareness of the underlying issue. While our metabolisms certainly differ in speed, the laws of thermodynamics still apply, which means that if we are able to consistently make healthy decisions in the kitchen and commit to regular exercise in the gym, we’ll start to see the pounds melt off.
For me personally the problem is rarely my environment, but my perspective. I find myself in stressful situations that cause my heart rate to rise, my palms to start sweating, and a brain fog that feels like borderline amnesia to come over me. I freeze, I don’t feel in control, I feel embarrassed that I’m not able to articulate myself in front of a crowd, or maintain my composure during a conflict, and my conclusion for many years was that I should avoid these situations altogether. You can’t be stressed if you don’t allow yourself to be in stressful situations, right?
Wrong.
What happens is your tolerance to stressful situations continues to diminish, until even the slightest stressor causes you to break down completely.
I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. Whether it’s being absolutely terrified of public speaking, choking on the 18th hole, or feeling a disproportionate anger arise in us when someone blatantly ignores a reasonable request, there are a number of situations that can lead us to not be the best versions of ourselves, to react, instead of responding. But if we’re honest with ourselves it’s not the situation itself that is the problem, oftentimes it’s how we react that’s the real issue. While sweaty palms, racing heart, and undulating emotions may all sound like hardwired physiology, they’re actually a conditioned response to perceived threat, and through awareness, attention, and acceptance, we can change our automatic response to be a more thoughtful, empathetic, and effective one, we just need to know where to direct our attention.
Attention
Once you have become aware of what the true problem is, whether it’s indulging a little too much on the weekends to truly see the results you’re working so hard to achieve, or avoiding stressful situations instead of learning to handle them better, you can begin to direct your attention towards a solution, instead of ruminating on the problem.
For the example above where the person is trying to lose weight but isn’t quite ready to give up her favorite foods, finding healthier alternatives like greek yogurt ice cream bars and having an agreement on how many glasses of wine she’ll enjoy on the weekend to make sure she’s still living life while staying on track would be an example of directing her attention towards solutions instead of ruminating on the perceived problem of a slow metabolism.
For someone like myself who at times feels stressed in non-threatening situations, developing an awareness of when and why these emotions arise is an important first step. What I’ve noticed for myself is shame, lack of control, and feelings of disrespect are sure to create strong physiological responses within my body. But after developing awareness of what I’m feeling and why, I can begin to retrain my brain to recognize these scenarios, and to observe these emotions without letting them dictate my actions.
I may be experiencing a rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, and a loss of focus, but that’s okay, there’s no reason that those things are inherently bad, and if I take a moment to gather myself, sometimes I can work through these emotions and give a great speech, or navigate conflict in a way that allows both parties to feel heard, valued, and understood.
As we begin to realize that we can observe our emotions without letting them control us, they become less threatening, and we stop fearing them altogether. Once the fear is subdued, we can begin to direct our attention toward strategies that allow us to perform at our best, like taking 5 deep breaths before getting on stage, or listing all of the reasons why we love and appreciate our significant other before addressing a point of contention in our relationship. These strategies can help change how we perceive situations, which in turn affects our physiology, after all, the rapid heart rate and sweaty palms are because we originally perceived the situation as threatening. Once we’ve changed that perception, our physiology will follow suit.
One interesting point is that the physiological response to fear and excitement is the same. Both fear, and excitement release adrenaline into the bloodstream and cause an increase in heart rate, and faster, shallower breathing. Our past experiences influence whether we perceive these physiological signs as beneficial or threatening to the situation at hand. If we got up on stage and froze, we might be fearful of an increased heart rate because we’re worried it means we’re going to freeze again, but if we feel those butterflies as we prepare for that important presentation and then nail the delivery, we may get excited the next time we notice them, because we assume they’re a sign that we’re going to do a great job once more.
We can help our brain shift from viewing these physiological signs as fear to excitement by reminding ourselves of times where we’ve experienced these thoughts or physiological responses in the past, and it resulted in something great happening. An easy example is the butterflies many people had when they first saw or spoke to their significant other, or the rush of excitement when riding a rollercoaster, or the energized feeling of listening to an upbeat song. To paraphrase Dr. Ron Gilbert, it’s not about getting rid of the butterflies, it’s about getting them to fly in formation. When we can do that, the butterflies actually improve our performance, which allows us to have a more favorable perception of them in the first place, increasing the chances that our success builds on itself.
But sometimes, no matter how much we direct our attention towards solutions and take action on the things that are within our control, things don’t work out the way we hoped they would and that leads us to the third skill.
Acceptance
Once we’ve become aware of the true problem, and done everything we can to resolve it, the best thing we can do is embrace the serenity prayer and accept the outcome regardless of whether or not it was the one we desired. The alternative is allowing it to eat away at us indefinitely.
Fortunately for the examples above, there is always something we can improve upon. We can always adjust our calories in, and work to increase our calories out until our desired results are achieved. And while it may be wildly uncomfortable at first, I can learn to perceive stressful situations as opportunities for growth instead of fearing failure. This mindset shift ensures that I can continue to experiment with strategies until I find the ones that allow me to calm the butterflies, or potentially even use them to my advantage.
But what about situations where what’s happened is truly out of our control? Like if someone cuts you off in traffic, or your significant other leaves you? Well, you have a choice, you can accept what’s happened and move on, or you can allow it to continue to affect you long after it’s occurred. Now I want to be clear, accepting what’s happened does not mean you allow people to treat you poorly, or do not hold others accountable for their actions. What it does mean, however, is that you let go of the emotional baggage that you will hold onto if you try and fight something that’s in the past. When someone cuts you off on the highway, what do you do about it? Do you react? Race ahead, flip him off and serve in front of him? Or do you respond? Do you give him the benefit of the doubt? Accept that maybe he’s having a rough day and is not being as kind as he could be? Or maybe he’s just a cranky old man? Either way, it’s your decision how you respond, and ultimately whether or not you let it bother you. But notice how you gain nothing by allowing your anger to escalate the situation, there is no positive outcome if you allow someone to infect you with their negative feelings, but if you observe these emotions without allowing them to affect you, then you just became that much more resilient, that much more impervious to the emotions of others, that much more in control of your life, because no matter what happens, or what other people do, you can decide how you want respond, instead of feeling compelled to react.
I witnessed this first hand when I was living in Rome. I was with one of my friends and the driver in front of him made a series of aggressive driving decisions that seemed to be aimed at trying to infuriate him. I hate to admit it, but they worked on me, but when I asked my friend if he was pissed he replied in Italian. “Why get angry? What good would that do?” It was in that moment that I realized that we have a choice about how we feel, it had never occurred to me that I could choose to not be angry, to let it go. But that is ultimately what the goal of therapy is, to gain some degree of autonomy over our emotions, to be aware of them, observe them, and decide whether or not they serve us.
The beautiful thing about letting go, or choosing to embrace an emotion we are experiencing, is that it puts us back in the driver’s seat, it restores our control, which can be very empowering, especially when it feels like we have very little control over the rest of the situation.
We may not have control over what happens, but we have control over how we respond to it, we have control over whether or not we accept that it happened, we have control over whether or not we carry it around with us for the rest of our lives, or let it go and set ourselves free.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone someone’s actions, it doesn’t mean that you should not hold them accountable, what it does mean though, is that you are making the decision to not let their actions affect how you move forward with your life, or negatively impact your relationships with others.
The combination of these three skills, awareness, attention, and acceptance, allows us to be aware of, and identify, the true underlying problem, to direct our attention toward solutions, and to accept the outcome regardless of if it’s the one we desired. If we can master these three skills, it allows us to let go of emotions that are no longer serving us, and focus our efforts on growing individually and collectively. They are the 3 pillars to eternal personal growth. If we can do that, the world may no longer feel like such a scary place, it may start to feel like an endless sea of possibilities, and the butterflies might just start flying in formation.
Summary
Awareness – recognizing the true underlying problem, or the area of your life that you would like to improve on.
Attention – directing your focus towards a solution, instead of ruminating on the problem.
Acceptance – once you’ve done everything within your power to achieve the result you desire, accept the outcome. Fighting an outcome or an emotion does not change the past, it only brings the pain into the present. Letting go of these emotions is the only way to make peace with what’s happened, which is different from condoning or forgiving what’s happened.
Trying to spot the sunshine through the rain clouds,
John
[1] Delaying the Onset of Ahlzeimer’s Disease
Social, mental, and physical activity help protect against dementia and degenerative cognitive diseases like Alzeimer’s